Days 18,19,20,21

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?

I can't say that there's just one thing that has put me at peace. It depends on the day, and it depends on what stage of grief I'm in at the time. If I had to pick an activity that helps though, it's definitely been cleaning. I take my anger/frustration/sadness out on the dirt in my house!

Day 19: What is the happiest memory of your angel?

One of my co-workers described her as "Sassy." That's still my favorite way to describe Makayla. I only have the memories of being pregnant with her, but they are some wonderful memories. I will always remember how excited I was when we found out she was a girl. How much fun it was shopping for her, and imagining what she would look like in all her cute little girlie outfits. She was stubborn. When it came time for ultrasounds and getting her to move, she would only do it in her own time. We couldn't get her to do anything she didn't want to do. (she gets that from her dad!) She craved bean and cheese burritos from Del Taco, and Pina Colada Slurpees! She was a night owl. She would always start kicking away the minute I would lay down for bed. I loved the looks on Brycson's face when she would kick his hand. She was a busy little lady. I always wondered that if she was this busy inside, how busy would she be once she was out? I think she would have definitely given us a run for our money!

Day 20: If you have anger---What are you angry about?

Anger. Where do I start? Anger, unfortunately, has been a BIG part of my grief.

I sometimes feel like it was all a big tease. I'm angry that I got that far in my pregnancy, that I got that close to finally having her here, just to lose her. I'm angry that I now have to deal with trying to get pregnant again. Deal with being a week or more late every month, but still not be pregnant. We had to wait so long to get her here, and now we have to start all over again. I'm angry that I have to ride that emotional roller coaster again. I'm angry at all the "Fertile Myrtle's" out there who get pregnant just by thinking about it. I think work has scarred me in the way that I'm angry that there are plenty of young or irresponsible mom's out there who get pregnant and don't take care of themselves or their babies, when on the opposite end there are plenty of responsible women out there who want nothing more than to have children and can't. I'm angry at myself for not being able to truly be happy for others when they announce they're having children. Instead I become jealous and have a pity party. I often wonder what was wrong with me, why do so many others get to keep their baby, and I had to lose mine? I'm pretty much mad at the whole situation right now, and that I had/I have no control over it. It has become very obvious between how we got Brycson and Makayla here that we have no control over how and when we get children here. I definitely have to learn patience and learn to be trusting of His timing and that he knows what's best for us.

Day 21: Is there something about your angel that brings a smile to your face?

This picture...

It's truly one of my favorites. I look at it often. It's so simple. No clothing, no bows, just her and her perfectness. I think what I like about it most is how this picture came to be. When Heidi and my mom were getting ready to dress her, they rolled her onto her side and this is how her hands fell into place. Heidi stopped immediately and started snapping pictures. My mom just looked at me and said you have to see what she's doing. She was a little poser! I also thinks she looks so much like Brycson in this picture. It definitely makes me smile!