It took me a while to get used to saying her name, for the longest time I still referred to her as "the baby." I think now everyone is used to saying her name. Camron, Brycson and I use her name freely and often. Our families and many of our friend's refer to her by name anytime they speak about her.
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memory, or make new memories of your angel(s)?
A lot of Makayla's things are tucked away in her room, where for now they can stay safe. I put her hospital blanket in my hope chest. Her memory box and hand and foot mold are in her room. I've placed the matching bracelet set, her headband, her footprints from the hospital, our hospital bracelets, the pregnancy tests, the hospital bill, and the calendar from my purse with all the Dr's appointment dates in this box. One of the nurses that helped take care of me did Makayla's hand and foot mold and placed it in a plastic box. She took the time to decorate it with her name and two roses. My paranoid self would like to place all of this in a safe with her ultrasound pics, video CD, and CD of her funeral service. I would just be a basket case if something ever happened to them. I bought a baby book for her, but never filled out a single page. I guess that's why I've held on to so many other things.
We have dedicated part of a shelf in our family room to some of Makayla's things as well, including my teddy bear.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Camron, Brycson and I along with our parents, participated in the awareness day walk that the SHARE Organization put on. At first I wavered back and forth about whether or not we would go. We didn't know what to expect, and had to make arrangements with our work schedules in order to have the same day off together. Letting our parents know about it was even a last minute decision, because we really didn't know what it would involve. We are SO GLAD that we went. We will definitely plan on this walk every year. One of my angel mom friends sang, and did a WONDERFUL job. There was a short program, which included a wonderful speaker. We then did the walk, and as each of our angel babies names were read, we released a balloon in their honor. It was perfect weather. In fact I was glad that I was able to wear my sunglasses, because the amount of crying I did took just about all my make-up off. Camron mentioned that it was the most he had cried in a long time. There are only a few days where we can truly dedicate our time to Makayla, and this day is one of them. It was so nice to take the time to remember our little lady and all the other angels and their families.
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
I try to! Mostly the time I get for myself is spent just doing nothing! I usually will sit on the couch and catch up on "my shows" after everyone has gone to bed. I don't have to think about anything! Every now and then I have a nice long bath or paint my nails, something silly like that. Camron has been good about watching the kiddo if I want to go get a pedicure, or get my hair done, or just have a girls outing with some of my friends. In return he gets to go golfing with friends, go to soccer games, etc. I think it's important for both of us to have our alone time.
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
I've had a hard time with answering this question. A lot of other angel moms have mentioned being able to feel their baby's spirit with them when they were delivered, shortly after, etc. I have even had friends and family members talk about feeling Makayla near them. I have struggled with the fact that I can't say that I have "felt her." I get upset, because I feel like something is wrong with me. Why don't I get to feel her here, like others have? I know everyone feels "The Spirit" differently, in a way it helps me understand that Heavenly Father truly knows us as individuals, and knows how to reach us in the best way, if that makes sense. I'd like to think that she's watching over us. Maybe I'm not recognizing the subtleties. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much...I don't know. There are times when I feel completely overwhelmed with grief and am suddenly calmed, tears stop with a blink of an eye, and I am able to continue on my way. Maybe that's her way of telling me to knock it off! No need to be sad, she's okay.
1 comment:
I feel that way sometime too about feeling her. I hear people talking about how they see their babies or hear them and I feel like something is wrong with me because I haven't had an experience like that. I even go to the temple hoping to see her or feel her and nothing happens.
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