31 Day Blog Challenge

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, I will be joining fellow angel mom's in a 31 day blog challenge. For 31 days I will blog about my little angel. Because it is already the 9th, I have a little catching up to do! (Sorry the fonts and colors are so messed up, don't know what happened!)

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.

I am a nurse at St. Marks Hospital. I just recently changed departments and moved down to the Emergency Room, and am really enjoying the change. I have been married for 7 years to the love of my life, Camron. I have been blessed with two children. With our crazy schedule I enjoy just spending time with my family when we can all be in the same place at the same time.

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

I am a mother of two! My oldest is Brycson Cole. He was born January 12, 2007 at 4:34 am., weighing in at 7 lbs. 7 oz. and 20 inches long. He is now 4 going on 40. He is so smart and amazes us daily with his comments and thoughts. He is such a nut, and truly the light of our lives.

I am also the mother to our little angel Makayla. She was born to Heaven May 22, 2011 at 4:10 am, weighing in at 4 lbs. 6 oz. and 18 inches long. She was sassy and stubborn, looked just like her brother, and even had crooked pinky fingers like her daddy. Though her life was a short one she remains a big part of our lives and our forever family.

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?

Through this whole process of course Camron has been my "rock." He's had to be from the beginning. From being the one to call family, to taking phone calls and visits from friends, neighbors, hospitals, funeral homes, etc. As funny as it may seem I've had a really hard time crying in front of him, but he has always been the one to hold me and comfort me during the truly hard times.

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I loved how a fellow angel mom answered this question..."what choice do I have?"

Having Brycson has been a huge help. The day after Makayla was born, I threw on my sweats and waddled my way in to Brycson's pre-school graduation. Life had to continue on. I still had to take care of him and keep his life as close to normal as possible.

I also believe that I would not have dealt with this situation as well as I have without the knowledge of the gospel. I will admit it is hard to be accepting of this situation, and His plan sometimes, but it is also comforting to know that she is mine forever, and I will get to raise her again.

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*

I'm reminded of Makayla often. Of course we have her pictures displayed throughout our home, and I pass her room multiple times a day. I have not packed up her room yet. I just haven't felt the need to at all. I have gotten to the point where I could keep the door open and it not be a problem. The only reason I keep it closed is to keep the dog out of there. If the dog were to get into something and chew it up, I'd probably end up in jail for animal cruelty!

I'm reminded of Makayla every time I see a pregnant woman, whenever I see a baby girl, or even passing the baby sections at a store. I swear a few weeks ago an announcement went out that Amy was going to Costco, so everyone with a brand new baby girl headed there too. I also have two necklaces that were given to me. They have her initial "M" on them. I am reminded of her when I wear them. I think about her often.

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

I've actually had to deal with this question more than I thought I would. Mostly it's patients asking this question. I will usually say that I have two children. Most of the time the questions end there. Sometimes it continues on to "How old are they?" I answer that I have a little boy who's four, and my little girl is in Heaven and she would be..(however many months at the time.) That's really when the questions stop! I hate the look on their face when they realize what I have just told them. I feel like it would be so much easier to just say that I have one child sometimes. Then I wouldn't have to deal with all the other questions. One day I just said that I had one. I felt so incredibly guilty afterwards, it ate me up inside the rest of the day. From then on out I decided I'm just going to tell it like it is. She's my child, a part of my family and she shouldn't be left out.

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?

All we've done so far is display her pictures around our home. We try to visit her grave as often as we can. We haven't talked about how we will include her in the holiday's yet. I think I would like to have a stocking for her. We have a tradition where each of us picks an ornament each year. We will probably do the same for her. Camron and I have talked a lot about what we would like to do for her birthday. We really want to make it a celebration. We will for sure send her balloons just like we did at her funeral, but haven't worked out all of the other details yet.

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

I definitely feel like I have more good days than bad ones lately. Occasionally a bad one will creep up on me, but I'm definitely learning to deal with them better.

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

Brycson did NOT like all the crying at first. He would get so mad when he would see anyone crying. He hated it when he would hear or see me watching Makayla's video. I think for a while he was jealous of all the attention she was getting and she wasn't even here. He didn't understand why I liked looking at her pictures, or going to visit her grave. I had to explain to him that just like I get to see him everyday, that's how I get to see her everyday. Anytime we talk about her, or go to see her he pretends to cry. I'm trying to help him see her as a happy thought and not a sad one. He's getting better. Every now and then, at unexpected times he'll ask questions about her. My favorite was when we were at dinner at a Chinese restaurant. We were trying to figure out what our Chinese animal was, and he asked me what Makayla's was.